50 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Buy Someone's Used Sofa

The owner says:

  • "That stain was the best fifty bucks I ever made."
  • "Have you had your shots?"
  • "If you find any fingers in there, pack 'em in ice and give us a call."
  • "It's almost dry, but you may need to wring the cushions out."
  • "It was a present to my Great Aunt Erma after her bladder surgery."
  • "It fell off a truck. At least, I figure it did, since we found it by the highway."
  • "You can have those Fritos."
  • "I once spent ten days tied to this couch."
  • "It's non-flammable, unless you really try."
  • "It should be clean, we hosed it off."
  • "Watch that spring, it gave me some nasty scars."
  • "It can even float for nearly an hour."
  • "You like the smell of beer, don't you?"
  • "It's not supposed to fold out, but it will if you push hard enough."
  • "I guess olive and orange were popular colors back then."
  • "It used to be a lot longer."
  • "You'll need the brick to keep it level, unless you've got a saw."
  • "AmVets and GoodWill wouldn't take it."
  • "Don't smoke near it."
  • "You can hardly tell where they hurled."
  • "The fire hardly touched this side."
  • "It only smells this way when it's humid."
  • There's a large red tag on it marked "Evidence".
  • The cushions begin crawling away.
  • The fabric on the back has been repaired with a "Rebel And Proud" bumper sticker.
  • The owner asks you to sign a waiver.
  • What you thought was powdered sugar from a donut appears to be moving.
  • It appears to have reached its present location by being dragged several miles on its side.
  • The owner appears to be scratching himself rather frequently.
  • The owner seems reluctant to actually sit on or touch it himself.
  • A tag on the back says "Property of Blessed Hope Mission".
  • It has its own nickname.
  • More than a dozen people know its nickname.
  • More than a hundred people know its nickname from a story in the local paper.
  • Someone appears to have constucted a drink holder on the armrest with a hacksaw, a torch, and a gluegun.
  • There are mushrooms growing on the back.
  • It seems to generate its own heat.
  • Stuffing is protruding from bullet holes.
  • There appears to be more duct tape than vinyl on the cushions.
  • It growls when you sit on it.
  • It has a faint smell of ammonia.
  • Integral parts of its structure have been replaced with a garden hoe, a flasher barricade, and the drop gate from a railroad crossing.
  • The bottom is covered with asphalt and/or straw.
  • There's a coin slot on the armrest. v
  • There are labels in various spots that say "No Step".
  • The owner occassionally pauses to pick things off of it and taste them. v
  • It appears to have been spray-painted its present color.
  • You hear scampering noises inside.
  • The owner offers to throw in a free:
    can of Lysol
    can of Raid
    flyswatter
    flea collar
    ant trap
    vial of penicillin
  • Under the cushions you find:
    half a bottle of ketchup
    empty shotgun shells
    an entire squirrel skeleton
    Jimmy Hoffa's wallet
    a glass eye
    ticket stubs from the 1939 World's Fair
    used prophylactics
    the muffler from a '72 Dodge

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